Left over birthday emotions.

So technically my birthday was 'two' days ago, as I yet again write a late blog, or early morning, whichever one calls it, yet certain words which were mentioned on my birthday brought back unforgetable memories, and even though I managed to fake a smile ( consistantly through the day, this seems to be a common occurence), my mind refused to shut out things, the one day I wish I could have placed an honest smile upon my face.

This first started to when my mother mentioned seeing my nan, to which was an automatic response which appeared within the early times on my birthday, with which left her to swallow back her own words, realising this motion was impossible, resulting in a wave of sadness to wash over her, realising that my nan never made it to my 18th. People never understood the connection I had within my nan, people merely thought it was a normal ' grandchild + grandma' relationship. She would so kick my arse right now if she knew I just mentioned her as Grandma, she hated this. She was my second home, my saviour when I use to get kicked out my house for pointless reasons. I was the one who had to care for her when my mother was to ill. I never regretted doing this, fuck she was my nan. People underestimate me, thinking I haven't been in the same situations as them, assuming they know me and think my life is some peachy thing. Judgemental fuckers. My nan would actually probably attempt to chuck a cushion right now for that vulgar language. Hmmm I miss her.

So while I had constant thoughts to how much I wish to run to my nans house, and wish for her to be sitting there, with a coffee and cigarette, a certain person of my past decided to appear. Due to what my current brain was like, I could not be bothered with his crap, which lead to an argument due to him yet again wishing to get a response out of me as he has appeared single, again. Did he really think I would just crawl into his bed again, letting him tell me such words of how he 'loves me',how he 'misses me', until he finds another girl to fuck, again. I've managed to say no this time,but how long will this last? There's always gonna be that one person who refuses to leave your mind, not matter how hard you try. I really am attempting this, but sometimes I feel like giving up, just to have the feeling of being held again, feeling 'loved' so to speak.

So let's change scenes. My birthday meal, when my mother and father attempt to sit in peace, with the occasional sarcastic comment between each other. When seeing them together I see the pain within my mothers eyes, even though it has been over nine years. It also brings back the memories for me. Standing in the primary school yard, nine years old being told that 'my daddy' is sleeping with 'my mommy's' best mate, but 'my mommy' does not know, so I must keep shush. Now I was not a dumb child, with resulted in me telling my mother, as I knew this wrong, leaving a family broken and me fatherless for four years, after refusing to see his face. Yes, I know many people are single parents these days. Yes, I cannot complain, I still technically have my two parents, but many does not realise the effect it leaves. People often wonder to why I hardly trust anyone. I belive that is a strong reason to why not.




This is me, making a wish. I would like this one to come true, but perhaps I have 'wishful' thinking.

Oh fuck this blog is depressing and long, attempts of a postive one shall proceed. Hopefully.