This hurts.

I have nothing else to write then to title this blog.

Non-existant.

This is how I feel.

Oh and confusion has appeared again. The words 'fancy a fuck' are still trailing through my mind, actually making me feel worthless, yet I still cannot hate him. I know deep down it is because he has no one else there but is it wrong to feel 'wanted' again. Ignoring seems the best idea at the moment.

A friend told me today to give up on current emotions, explaining I am just getting hurt again. I refused to believe this, but maybe they are right. Maybe I am just along for the gentle ride.

I've done it again.

A short blog before I run off to my shitty place of work as I feel the need for a mini rant. I sit here in a man's shirt, which feels suprising comfortable, and question myself to what I want anymore. These last few days have made me realise actually how much of a screw up I am, yet how grateful I am for the ones that have actually stuck around. I've realised that I naturally just seem to be able to fuck things up, yet I can't explain why. Cher (the best friend) blames the previous men, yet I feel the need to blame no one. I've realised I am the reason why nothing works but fuck it. Yet when I say this, I do feel that I can't take all the blame for recent events, but I've got to the point now where I am past caring anymore. Perhaps the old Jordan is coming back, one I wish to never return, current Jordan is content, past Jordan was in a bad place. So yes I am a little screwed up, and have a tendency to fuck things up but I suppose that is the way things are meant to be, or as Cher says, 'Jordan just go with the flow'. I don't know what I would do without her.

I really should sort out my swearing, it is not healthy.
I love the geek on Countdown.

Left over birthday emotions.

So technically my birthday was 'two' days ago, as I yet again write a late blog, or early morning, whichever one calls it, yet certain words which were mentioned on my birthday brought back unforgetable memories, and even though I managed to fake a smile ( consistantly through the day, this seems to be a common occurence), my mind refused to shut out things, the one day I wish I could have placed an honest smile upon my face.

This first started to when my mother mentioned seeing my nan, to which was an automatic response which appeared within the early times on my birthday, with which left her to swallow back her own words, realising this motion was impossible, resulting in a wave of sadness to wash over her, realising that my nan never made it to my 18th. People never understood the connection I had within my nan, people merely thought it was a normal ' grandchild + grandma' relationship. She would so kick my arse right now if she knew I just mentioned her as Grandma, she hated this. She was my second home, my saviour when I use to get kicked out my house for pointless reasons. I was the one who had to care for her when my mother was to ill. I never regretted doing this, fuck she was my nan. People underestimate me, thinking I haven't been in the same situations as them, assuming they know me and think my life is some peachy thing. Judgemental fuckers. My nan would actually probably attempt to chuck a cushion right now for that vulgar language. Hmmm I miss her.

So while I had constant thoughts to how much I wish to run to my nans house, and wish for her to be sitting there, with a coffee and cigarette, a certain person of my past decided to appear. Due to what my current brain was like, I could not be bothered with his crap, which lead to an argument due to him yet again wishing to get a response out of me as he has appeared single, again. Did he really think I would just crawl into his bed again, letting him tell me such words of how he 'loves me',how he 'misses me', until he finds another girl to fuck, again. I've managed to say no this time,but how long will this last? There's always gonna be that one person who refuses to leave your mind, not matter how hard you try. I really am attempting this, but sometimes I feel like giving up, just to have the feeling of being held again, feeling 'loved' so to speak.

So let's change scenes. My birthday meal, when my mother and father attempt to sit in peace, with the occasional sarcastic comment between each other. When seeing them together I see the pain within my mothers eyes, even though it has been over nine years. It also brings back the memories for me. Standing in the primary school yard, nine years old being told that 'my daddy' is sleeping with 'my mommy's' best mate, but 'my mommy' does not know, so I must keep shush. Now I was not a dumb child, with resulted in me telling my mother, as I knew this wrong, leaving a family broken and me fatherless for four years, after refusing to see his face. Yes, I know many people are single parents these days. Yes, I cannot complain, I still technically have my two parents, but many does not realise the effect it leaves. People often wonder to why I hardly trust anyone. I belive that is a strong reason to why not.




This is me, making a wish. I would like this one to come true, but perhaps I have 'wishful' thinking.

Oh fuck this blog is depressing and long, attempts of a postive one shall proceed. Hopefully.

Happy birthday to me?

Just a little blog, I most probably will write another later tonight, but I had the urge to write now, so I will fulfill this urge, while listening to Jason Mraz. It soothes me.

I am finally motherfucking 18!
As I was rudely awoken this morning by my brother at exactly 7:45, singing 'happy birthday' in his postive eight year old, I thought to myself that I had been living in Wolverhampton for 18 years and what shit it was. This thought bored me. I also started to think to how I had not really achieved anything in the whole of my 18 years of roaming this city. I started actually thinking to what I had achieved. Yes I had manage to complete school and 6th form. Yes I had manage to keep just above average in my subjects. But I believe that is all. My main thought drifting swiftly through this slightly empty head of mine was the thought to how I had actually let myself get screwed over so many times. I would never let my 'friends' do this. I don't actually class that many people friends, too two-faced for my liking, twisted in some fucked up bitchy world, with which they love for me to be involved in.

So now I am officially 18, I am planning to act more like an immature twat, but perhaps have a better choice with who I choose to like and 'do'. Oh who I am kidding, at least now I prepared to get screwed over again I suppose.
But at least my head was a bit clearer this morning, I am glad I did not let me stubborness get the better of me. I actually applaud myself for not being stubborn, and I believe there was positive input at the end of this. This pleased me highly, leaving a smile on my slight sick face. (the use of the term sick here is actually literal, sick was being produced everywhere, not healthy)

So yes today I am slightly confused,slightly positive, slightly negative,leaving me to question my birthday emotions. I must think positive but I keep having doubts run through my mind, emotions within my head are telling me history is reapeating itself. Happy Birthday to me? Meh.


At times like these I wish my nan was here, I know she could have helped me.