Cunt.

So yeah, I haven't blogged for a while, and guess what, I've cocked up again. But first I shall discuss the positive.

Well my fellow bloggers, my enotional ass is going to uni. Yes me, the one who cannot think straight is going to uni. De Montfort in Leicester I shall be. New start maybe, new people indeed. And tons of alcoholic mistakes to be made. Sweet. Seriously I think this would be good for me, leaving certain people here in Wolverhampton will help my messed up head perhaps.

And now to the negative. It wouldn't be a Thompson blog if it didn't contain negative points now would it. So yeah, I've kissed a guy who I really shouldn't be kissing. He is the most nicest guy I have met, actually likes me for me, and doesn't mind my messed up past. So why is it I feel so bad, why do I feel like I am leading him on. And have two I think reasonable points to why this should not happen.

1. I go uni in 30 days!
2. I still have emotions for another, one to which he knows, quite well indeed.

Well my dear bloggers I am stuck in a mess, like don't get me wrong, I like the guy, I really do, but perhaps it is not fair to get him involved in the mess I am in. I've hurt one guy over this, can I really do it again?

Analytical thoughts makes me go insane.

So yes,it's a monday morning, and I have drank a bottle of sours and a bottle of wine. Oh what has my life resulted in. I will admit, I think my possible alcohol addiction is becoming visable to others. Perhaps drinking everyday is not good, but it numbs my mind for a while. This feels good.

So apart from my alcohol problem, I seem to have got myself within such a complicated fucking mess. My sister told me this would happen, that someone would get hurt, but this was not my intention. What happened to when things were so simple to do, oh I forgot, it's called growing up. I never asked for this happen, I never asked for emotions to get involved, and now people are getting hurt because of my silly, stupid emotions and unrealistic ideas. I think perhaps I should stay away from society for a while, and just curl into bed with a sex book and a bottle of something strong. Why do I have to generally suck at things. I need to sort my head out. Some more alcohol perhaps?

I'm yesterday's news and broken bottles.

Yesterday I broke down. I feel so weak, so sick and tired of keeping it all in, that I found comfort in speaking to my consultant. So breaking down during my hospital appointment yesterday was not what I planning to do on my monday, but alas it happened. I just sat there, and cried. I had not cried that much since the death of nan. So yes, she passed away in March, but why is now I find myself silently shedding tears still. My consultant got worried, claiming other things have got to me as well, questioning my family and social life. So yeah, I don't get along with my parents 24/7, so yeah my parents can't be in the same room without snide, sarcastic remarks back and forth from each other, but at least they exist I suppose. suppose. So why was it yesterday, when I reached an extremely low point, that my mother couldn't even reach out and hug me, couldn't bare to look at me,just left me there, leaving my best mate to pick up the pieces yet again, attempting to bring me back into neutral emotions. I had never felt so low, and now she choose to ignore me, yet if I do something 'wrong', she is soon to fault this out. Yesterday I felt so pointless and useless that all I wished to do was disappear from everyone. I had the urge to phone a certain person, since they use to put a smile on my face, but I knew this was impossible to do. Is it wrong for an 18 year old to need some reassurance on things, to want to be cuddled by her mother, wanting something to look forward to? I feel like giving up already.

Consultant recomended anti-depressents. I refuse to give up this easy, I just need to find a reason not to

What is happening to me?

So it's been a while since I last blogged, what has happened to my writing self. I don't feel the same person anymore. I'm changing, and it isn't a good thing. I'm drinking far to much, everyday is the amount. And is highly seeking revenge, though I have never felt this emotion before. I feel sick all the time, my stomach will not rest, I cannot sleep, I hardly eat. As long as I have a alcohol bottle within reach, I am all good.

Is wrong to still crave something, as much as it wrong for you. These over riding of emotions are too much. I need to escape or else I will begin hurting other people, just to numb my own personal pain. Yes, I am turning into a sadistic, selfish cunt. Do I care?



No.